Photo by Joel Bellevue

I was told yesterday that modeling is not where my talent lies. For a moment it brought back the emotions I used to feel growing up. All the things I love about myself now are the things I was made fun of then (I.e. Big bug eyes, skinny legs, big knee caps, big teeth, skinny body). Every time I get in front of a camera it builds my confidence and my self esteem. I do it for me. I do it for the love and for no other reason. So what if I don't make a dollar from it (which I actually have). So what if I never get published (which I have). I am passionate about it. I enjoy doing it. It makes me HAPPY... And happiness is the thing. 

Letting Go of Shitty Relationships by Joshua Milburn

Some relationships are particularly pernicious. We often develop relationships out of convenience, without considering the traits necessary to build a successful bond with another person—important traits like unwavering support, shared trust, and loving encouragement.

When a relationship is birthed out of proximity or chemistry alone, it is bound to fail. We need more than a person’s physical presence to maintain a meaningful connection, but we routinely keep people around simply because they’re already around.

It’s easy to develop a connection with a co-worker, schoolmate, or someone who’s always there—even when they’re not adding any real value to our lives. It’s even easier to stay in those relationships: old relationships are comfortable, and starting new relationships is difficult. New relationships require work—but anything worth holding on to does.

We’ve all held on to someone who didn’t deserve to be there, and most of us still have someone in our lives who continually drains us: Someone who doesn’t add value. Someone who isn’t supportive. Someone who takes and takes and takes without giving back. Someone who contributes very little, and prevents us from growing. Someone who constantly plays the victim.

Victims become victimizers, though, and these people are dangerous: They keep us from feeling fulfilled. They keep us from living purpose-driven lives. Over time, these negative relationships become part of our identity—they define us, they become who we are.

Fortunately, this needn’t be the case: several actions can be taken to rid ourselves of negative relationships.

First, you can attempt to fix the relationship. This is obviously the preferable solution (albeit not always possible or worthwhile). People change over time, and so do relationships. You can change how your relationship works—be it marriage, friendship, or family—without completely ditching the relationship.

Sit down with the person who’s draining the vitality from your life and explain to them what must change in order for your relationship to work: Explain you need them to be more supportive, you need them to participate in your growth, and, although they are important to you, the relationship in its current state does not make you happy. Explain you’re not attempting to change them as a person—you simply want to change how your relationship works.

Finally, ask them what they’d like to change about the relationship. Ask them how you can add more value. Listen attentively, act accordingly.

If you’re unable to change the relationship, end it. This is difficult, but it applies to any relationship: family, friends, lovers, co-workers, acquaintances. If someone is only draining your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell them: “This relationship is no longer right for me, so I must move on.”

You owe it to yourself to move on. You owe it to yourself to be happy in your relationships. You are in control.

Moving on is sometimes the only way to develop new, empowering relationships. Starting anew, empty-handed and full-hearted, you can build fresher, stronger, more supportive relationships—important relationships that allow you to have fun, be happy, and to contribute beyond yourself. These are the relationships we all need.

It’s also important to do your part. You, too, must add value to the relationship. Not by buying gifts or commoditizing your love, but by showing up every day and rigorously exhibiting how much you care, demonstrating your love through consistent actions, continually going out of your way to help the other person grow.

Both people must do their part to grow the relationship—only then will both of you be satisfied with the relationship you’ve built.

The Trap: External Validation

What does is take to make you feel good about yourself? 

You see, the question of what you rely on to make you feel good about yourself tells you a lot about how you prioritize the importance of how others see you versus how you see yourself. We’re talking, of course, about your source of validation: whether you rely on validation from others or whether you rely on internal validation. 

But what if the people closest to you don't support your dream?

In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, our need for esteem and belonging come right on the heels of our needs for physical safety; we instinctively want to feel love and respect. This is our sense of validation – the feeling of approval  The problem however, is where those feelings come from, whether they come from internal or external sources.

Internal validation is your sense of confidence and self-esteem; you believe in your own value and worth. External validation, on the other hand, is approval and regard of others. By relying on external validation, you are inherently surrendering your identity and self-worth to others. If you want to improve your life and become a more confident, attractive individual , then you need to understand how to take back the control in your life.

One of the insidious things about external validation is just how good it feels. It's natural to want support and encouragement from the people around you. We live in a culture that’s obsessed with external validation. We try to cultivate our image in order to impress as many people as possible. We very carefully curate our lives in order to seem as impressive as possible, wanting to put not just our best face forward but the one that makes us seem inhumanely awesome. Even people who seem to be nothing but balls of misery are grasping for external validation, playing for sympathy and confirmation of their special snowflake status as the oppressed victim of a cold and uncaring system that grinds the innocent in it’s cogs. In doing so, we are defining ourselves by our popularity and the way we’re seen by other people.

In an ideal world, we would constantly surround ourselves with positivity. We can't do that, but we can work on ourselves so that we stay committed and positive.

We’re outsourcing responsibility for our emotional well-being, even our own identity, to other people because we want them to think well of us. We end up giving up who we are in order to conform to others ideas of how we should be. Internal validation means that ultimately, the source of esteem and satisfaction comes from within; it means that you believe in your own intrinsic value regardless of how others see you.

Focusing on our flaws is actually an incredibly common mistake; it’s a matter of thinking that you have to be perfect or the best in order to be worth something in the first place. Being self-validating has nothing to do with perfection; in fact, being self-validating is often the motivation to strive and improve.

You see, the key to self-esteem and internal validation is about setting your own standards, not the standards that others set for you. You pick your a goal – say, getting better with men – and work towards it. But the thing to keep in mind is that the path to any goal isn’t about just about the end; there are milestones along the way, other smaller goals that mark the way there. Achieving these milestones is how you measure your progress; it becomes the way that you recognize that you’re growing and improving.

Keep in mind: those goals don’t mean that you need to achieve perfection; in fact, focusing on being perfect is often going to be a hinderance. If you love modeling, you don’t have to be the best model, you just have to get better. Make the goal to put together, say, your version of the best you (not Kate Moss or anyone else) The focus is as much on your improvement as it is on your end goal. Perfection is found in the pursuit, not in the accomplishment; in fact, the more you improve at something, the more you’ll find that you have further to go than you ever realized… and that’s a good thing.

Here’s the thing about setting goals and standards: you have to be sure that they’re what you want. There may very well be overlap with others’ standards – just because somebody else holds a certain standard doesn’t mean that it’s inherently a bad one – but you want to be sure that they’re ones that have meaning for you. Just because something is “the way things are” doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re universal or even correct. They should be something that you think will actually improve your life even if nobody else notices or cares. 

Part of why we fall prey to external validation is because we find it so hard to believe in ourselves; we need other people to tell us that we’re actually worthwhile. It’s easier to be negative after all; when you’re cynical, you tell yourself you're being a realist, seeing the world as it really is. In reality however, this is just as much of a lie as the ones you think you’re seeing through. The difference is that you’re letting confirmation bias cloud your judgement and provide “proof” to what you already believe in.  You have to be willing to admit that perhaps you are wrong about the way you see yourself – that you’re not as worthless, ugly or unlovable as you keep telling yourself you are. Internal validation is just as much about accepting that your good qualities as it is about confidence in your ability to achieve.

Find The Balance

It’s important to remember that external validation is not a bad thing by definition. Caring about what others think is a part of social intelligence and part of how we operate in society after all. The key is to not let your self-worth be dependent on their judgement. There will be people who’s validation you should seek – people who you care about and who care about you, people whose opinions you value. Someone who is solely internally validated isn’t an inherently better person, they’re a narcissist.

You're a powerful being, just by yourself. Believe in that, don't give up, and you'll go along way.

But true, if they aren't your biggest fans ... They aren't the one.

Are you Being Gaslighted? By: Robin Stern Ph.D.

Dear Readers, 
In my first blog about gaslighting, I talked about the "good news" about gaslighting - that is, that once you identify this destructive pattern in your relationship, you can change it. 
A reader asked me, if it is possible over time to get so beaten down and so sure you might be at fault, that you can't identify the dynamic? The answer is YES. The Gaslight Effect happens over time - gradually - and, often, by the time you are deep into the Gaslight Tango (the dance you do with your gaslighting partner, where you allow him to define your reality) you are not the same strong - or not so strong - self you used to be. In fact, your ego functioning has been compromised and, no longer being certain of your reality, you are not often able to accurately identify when something is "off" with your partner. 
The process of gaslighting happens in stages - although the stages are not always linear and do overlap at times, they reflect very different emotional and psychological states of mind.
The first stage is disbelief: when the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner - or your boss, friend, family member - that seem odd to you. A young woman I know - let's call her Rhonda, just told me about her second date with Dean. She was shocked when, after a terrific dinner, he left her at the bus stop - he told her she was nuts to wait for a bus, and, if she wanted to travel that way, he was not going to wait with her and would just see her another time. But, the piece de resistance, was that he called her later that night - (note that she picked up the call) and, he was insistent that there was nothing wrong with his jumping on the subway, while she took the bus - further, he told her that he was certain there was something wrong with the way she made choices about traveling. She argued, but, ultimately wrote off his behavior as " really weird". In recounting the story, she says it is "weird", and, that he must have a "thing" about buses -- but, she does really want to see him again --- they have so much in common and he is really romantic. 
Unlikely that this is going to be an isolated incident. Dean sounds like he has to get his own way - and, he has to be right. Rhonda is very attracted to him and wants things to work out, so, she is likely to explain away his behavior -- at least for awhile.

The next stage is defense: where you are defending yourself against the gaslighter's manipulation. Think about it - you tell your boss, for example, you are unhappy with the assignments you have been getting; you feel you are being wrongly passed over for the best assignments --- you ask him why this is happening. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are way too sensitive and way too stressed..... well, maybe you are sensitive and stressed, but, that doesn't answer the question of why you are being passed over for these better assignments. But, rather than leave it at that - or redirect the conversation - you start defending yourself - telling your boss you are not that sensitive or stressed -- or, that the stress doesn't interfere with your ability to work. But, during this stage, you are driven crazy by the conversation.... going over and over, like an endless tape, in your mind.
What's worse, is that these kind of conversations characterize your relationship more and more. You can't stand that your boss sees the situation like that and you work even harder on the assignments you find boring, even demeaning, just to prove that you are not overly sensitive and stressed out.

The next stage is depression: By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy - and, you hardly recognize yourself anymore. Some of your behavior feels truly alien. You feel more cut off from friends - in fact, you don't talk to people about your relationship very much - none of them like your guy. People may express concern about how you are and you are feeling -- they treat you like you really do have a problem. One of the examples I wrote about in my book The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life, concerns a lovely woman, Melanie. In the story told, Melanie was frantic because she couldn't find the "right" kind of salmon (her husband likes wild salmon and the grocery only had farm raised) to serve at the dinner party for her husband's company. She knew her husband would accuse her of not caring enough about him to go to the store earlier in the day. Incidents like this were happening so much at home, Melanie began to believe he was right - after all, what was more important than her husband. Why wasn't she a more considerate wife? She was unhappy almost all the time - and, she really believed that she could be a better, more considerate wife. She began to look for evidence of her poor behavior. Melanie had lost the ability, over time, to see anything else wrong with the relationship, besides that she was a less than adequate wife.
It took a long time, and a lot of reflection and analysis, reality testing and self-management, for Melanie's view to shift and for her to reclaim her reality and her life. 
**********************************
How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs: 
1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists. 
10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.

Remember, there is good news about identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out -- take back your reality, and, get more enjoyment from your life and your relationship!

#CollectibleMatter #10k

         Thank you for 10,000 views !

Burning Sage

The ritual burning of herbs and herbal resins is common to many cultures in the world. From the rich frankincense of the Church and the Middle Eastern bazaar, to the heady incenses of Asia, to the raw energy of brush burning in many native cultures—the purification of space through this modality is a global phenomenon and one you can benefit from highly.

Burning sage is one of the oldest and purest methods of cleansing a person, group of people or space. While Native American sage burning is the most commonly recognized form of it today, it has nevertheless been a shared practice in other cultures too.

From the ancient Celtic druids who used sage as a sacred herb alongside Oak Moss for burning as well as medicinal purposes, to the Indigenous Peoples of the Amazon whose Palo Santo (sacred wood) sage burning ceremonies are still practiced to this day.

Sage is for healing

Many who eschew the burning of incenses and herbs as a cleansing method and think that the only purpose in this tradition is to make dwellings smell nice, have perhaps never smelled sage burning. No one who has smelled the distinct acrid tang of burning sage would say that it could only be for ‘aesthetic’ olfactory purposes.

The Latin for sage, ‘Salvia,’ stems from the word ‘to heal.’ The other qualities of sage when burned, such as giving wisdom, clarity and increasing spiritual awareness, are also indicated in the name. It’s no accident that we refer to wise people as sagely.

The benefits of burning sage can be harnessed very simply by burning sage in your home, office or any other place in need of cleansing.

How to burn sage properly

Sage burning cleansing rituals can be as elaborate or as simple as you want them to be, but it’s of the highest importance that your intention be clear before you begin. If you are burning sage to purify a space, or a person (even yourself) then this needs to be clearly planted in your mind before you the light the sage, and while taking the smoke around a home, or through a space.

The best sage to use for such purposes is white sage, although if you have garden sage then this will work fine also (just make sure it is dried). Any local farmer’s market or health food store should carry it, as well as new age stores. 

The process is simple enough. If you have a heavy earthenware pot (something heatproof), then place the bundled sage into the pot and light it for a few seconds before extinguishing the flame and letting the smoke billow up. Really dry sage will catch fire quickly, so watch your fingers.

Focus burning sage on gateway and high traffic areas

Be careful not to breathe in the smoke directly, and not to fill the area too thickly with smoke—this is not a fumigation, just a cleansing, so no need to go overboard. Then slowly walk around where you are and take the smoke to each area you would like to cleanse. Concentrate on gateway areas, such as windows, doors, closets, as well as hallways. Also concentrate on the corners of a room. Most importantly, use your intuition. If you allow it, your space will usually inform you as to which areas need to be cleansed the most.

You may want to focus on particularly busy areas, both foot traffic wise (kitchen) and mentally (computer workstation). If you have a pet, be sure to sage them a little (if they allow it) and their sleeping area.

Try burning incense immediately after a saging session. Sage has a more masculine/yang aspect and is nicely coupled by the feminine/yin aspect of incense. Also experiment with bell ringing or hand clapping in between saging and incense burning for a total cleansing effect.

If you can at least burn sage in your living space on a weekly basis, then you are guaranteed to notice a lightness of energy and calmness descend into your home from this practice. It can be a way to cleanse the old energy from the previous week, and welcome in the newly beginning week and all the possibilities it holds.

ARTICLE BY : movingtowardspeace.com

Thank You !

Dear Ghostreaders :)

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog and for allowing me to share my world with you. From the bottom of my heart--thank you <3

-m